Some people grow up in tight-knit families. Regardless of any disfunction, their family is un-dissolvable. They get together for holidays, even trading off hosting duties, pretty much no matter what. Their family comes before their social circles, and they only show up at “orphan” gatherings if finances and geography keep them from their blood relations.

People who don’t have that bond, for whatever reason, either end up feeling adrift and bereft, or form those strong bonds with close friends, creating a family of choice or a family of the heart. Their inner circle becomes as strong as a blood bond, and walking away from their chosen family becomes as unthinkable to them as walking away from blood family is to someone who is tightly bonded to their family of origin. Occasionally, this happens organically; more often, it is done by conscious choice.

There is a third group. They may feel very strongly about the family into which they were born, and that’s where they spend their holidays. But these people have a cultural history of families being forcibly torn apart, and they carry the cellular or energetic memory of it, even if it never becomes conscious. So their friendship bonds are extremely important to them. They may not even realize that they see friendships differently than others. All they know is that, when a friend walks away or dishonors the relationship, it’s heartbreaking. They have the strengths and weaknesses of both of the other groups. If they are conscious of this, they can create powerful relationships, and will frequently become leaders in their community. If they are not conscious of it, interpersonal relations can be confusing.

When we are aware of and honest with ourselves about our cultural heritage, it becomes easier to understand our experience and to make conscious choices. Culture can be race, orientation, nationality/regionality, socio-economic status, religion, military service… It’s your Tribe, the folks with whom you identify strongly. Most of us, these days, belong to more than one Tribe; it’s part of globalization.

When we listen to others with a view toward understanding their cultural wounds, we start to see where our puzzle pieces fit together, and we honor those around us and ourselves. We each come to the table with different experiences, both personal and cultural. The more we open ourselves up to understanding others, the more in touch we become with our own humanity. Relaxing into engaged curiosity, rather than trying to push away what we perceive as “other” or “different”,  allows us to be more harmonious. It also makes life easier, once we get into the habit. We are no longer struggling all the time, interpersonal relations go more smoothly, and life in general gets less confusing.

We do have to apply effort at first, in order to move out of one path onto another. Think of it as an intellectual and emotional workout; new routines take a while to get comfortable, the muscles have to be strengthened through repetition. In New Age terms, you’re moving from thinking with your head to thinking with your heart. It circumvents the impulse to be judgmental, and allows for compassion.

You are the light of the world!