I owe you a newsletter. This isn’t it.

Last week got away from me. I was back east for a week, helping out my ageing father, barely managed to be home for 2 days, and was out of town again for a training. In those two days, I had to unpack, do laundry, re-pack, and tend to some things for which other people were counting on me. So the newsletter didn’t happen. I had every intention of getting to it Monday.

While I was out of town, or perhaps during my preparations to go back out, I fell ill. Monday was devoted to seeking medical care. Tuesday was devoted, mostly, to lying around. I’m not quite up to doing the newsletter, but I need to do a self-diagnostic to speed the healing and, I thought, why not let you in on the magic? This will be fairly stream-of-consciousness, so you can see the flow.

It started in the lungs, which have been weak since my best friend died in 2007. I lost about 10 people last year, so I’m rather surprised my lungs didn’t flare up much then. I recently lost another dear friend, the same week as the anniversary of two other deaths. Then I was back east, where we has spent the most time, and he was the topic of conversation with three grinds I reconnected with. Plus dealing with both my father and going through (and purging) old thing from high school, which was a very rough time for me. This last one was what hit me most, in the moment, so I suspect grieving for my despairing teen self is the most likely trigger. Lungs are heart chakra, the connection point to oneself and others. The ailment in question is very obviously, to me, grief; so there you go.

From the weakness in my lungs, I contracted an infection. If it were viral, it might speak to bounday issues (look up how viruses reproduce for more detail on that), but it didn’t respond to anti-viral supplements (elderberry lozenges – they usually work like a charm). It could be bacterial or fungal; I strongly suspect the latter, as I has a run in with a moldy cooler. Fungi are a growth or overgrowth organism, and speak to things that have been left alone to fester. Great, let’s pull up all that teenage angst and find out what hasn’t been processed! But not yet.

The infection moved up, unto my sinuses. Anger with authority. Hello teen years. Actually, hello ages for through twenty-four.

It tried to go into my throat (not being heard), but I headed that off at the pass. Throat was my weak spot in childhood, but no more.

So, this is all teenage years. Great. Sure, why not? I just turned 44 last month, let’s look at 30 years ago.

According to my age, I’m processing through first chakra issues – money, shelter, sustenance, love. Also potential sexual issues, especially abuse. Combine that with heart chakra – connection – and sinuses – combination sixth chakra (clarity) and fifth chakra (creativity, voicing your truth, being heard), plus sinus issues tend to indicate anger at or with authority.

Why was I such a miserable teenager? Perceived abandonment; not being heard, honored, or validated; sexual abuse from early childhood; feeling like I had to “go it alone;” feeling ostracized; etc etc etc. Going through old papers, I was struck, hard, by how painful it had all felt. I am very grateful that I am no longer burdened with that. I’m not sure, with all of the work I have done, that I ever grieved her/my losses and sadness.

I suspect that giving voice to this process here, publicly, I have started the healing process. Fungus grows in the darkness, in secret, and shining a light on the issues is its nemesis. Grief is grief. This past year showed me that I can process grief. This is more about sunlight and connection.

Right then. Onward. Tomorrow is another day.